Today he would be three. We let C.T. spend some time this morning touching the contents of his brother's special box. He kissed the train outfit (the only clothing B.W. ever wore) and spent time trying to fit the little infant cap on his larger-than-a-20-month-old head. C.T. pointed to the blood mark on B.W.'s blanket - of course we've kept it just as it was the day he was born - and asked if it was poo-poo. He is now saying "brother W" and has been talking about "happy birthday" and "happy W" all day.
We had pancakes together, went to Toys R Us to purchase gifts to donate in B.W.'s memory and had an awful lunch at a mexican restaurant. I was struck today by the number and variety of toys available for three-year old boys. I cried down several aisles as I attempted to select things he would enjoy... of course, not really knowing at all what he would have enjoyed. B wrote his first poem, probably ever, today - an attempt at outwardly remembering the son who completely changed his life. After C.T. wakes from his nap, we will write on and then release some balloons, make homemade pizza and sing a sad, sad, but not totally sad, happy birthday to B.W. At least we have cake.
I mentioned to B that it would have been really nice to have someone send flowers today. You know, since it's my son's birthday today and he is, well, dead. And, within the hour, flowers arrived from a friend (through the local SHARE program). I was so thankful, I called her right away in tears. A few others have acknowledged the day through email or with a card - all warming my heart. My sister, B.W.'s faithful aunt, has lit a candle today and my nieces are making cards to share with us on Saturday (for B.W.) when we get together as a family to remember him.
I guess we try to squeeze in a lot of remembrance activities on his birthday. These things have become meaningful to us in the last three years. Of course, we wish he were here to smother with kisses instead.
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B.W.,
Mommy loves you. So much. I am so proud of you - filled up in awe of you. Thank you for being part of our family. We all miss you. Happy third birthday, my sweet boy.
Love,
Mommy
Who, exactly, am I reading about?
- Gretchen
- Wife. Mother. Putting one foot in front of the other, rather aimlessly, as I grieve the loss of my son Zachary who died on January 20, 2014, as a result of complications from hospital-acquired sepsis. He was 2 weeks old. Oh, and Zachary is the second child in our family to perish. B.W., our firstborn died in 2006. He was stillborn. Life can be so, so cruel. I am kept minimally functional by my husband, B, and living son, C.T.
