Tiny pity party

When I cry, ever since B.W. died, my tears smell like rubbing alcohol. I'm sure it's some kind of post-traumatic link to the day he was born. Perhaps, my brain is remembering and triggering the alcohol prelude I endured for each and every needle poke in the hospital. Anyway, there has not been a time in the last 2 years and 5 months when I've cried and NOT smelled rubbing alcohol. Mostly I am okay with it because I feel closer to him in a weird sense. But, yesterday when I cried I was just angry. Why can't my post-traumatic link be the sweet baby smell of my firstborn? It's just more than unfair.