Motherhood

Last week, I got one of those questions from a colleague I see maybe 3-4 times a year. A question that most mothers are delighted to hear. A question that I'm 100% sure he intended as harmless. In fact, I think he was genuinely interested to hear my response. Fully unaware that the words can still send me spinning a bit. That my heart still breaks a little to hear them, though they're simply conversational to him.

"So, how is motherhood?" (with a wink and a bit of a wise-guy dad-of-3 grin)

Not an unusual question to ask a "new" mom. I guess that is what he considers me - new to my role of mother, new to the job and daily act of mothering.

For him, looking from the outside-in, it's as if B.W. never existed. Or that because he died, that motherhood was somehow postponed for me. Or that since he died back in 2006, it's been so long and so much has transpired that you might as well forget that I was a mother before C.T. was born. Truly, I didn't expect that this colleague would ask "so, how is mothering your dead child these days... what's his name again?" That he would allude to how I'm doing with his absence 2 years and 3 months later. That just socially doesn't happen. And, I really do like when people take an interest in C.T. and what he's doing. It's just that I'm proud of the mothering I do for both of my boys. When someone asks about my "motherhood", I think of my two sons - equally. I'm just not allowed to talk about it in public.

So, I played nice, like I always do. I obliged and filled my colleague in on C.T.'s latest tricks, the plan for his first birthday party, the wonder in his eyes at Christmas time. I smiled and laughed and truly enjoyed a moment to talk about my sweet boy, pretending, right along with him, that C.T. encompasses the totality of my motherhood. If only I could have added that it's been bittersweet. That while C.T. has brought so much joy, B.W. was missed so much this holiday season. That this marked our third Christmas without our firstborn. That I continue to "mother" B.W. in so many ways...

This, for bereaved parents all over the globe, is just one of a thousand often painful questions/comments that come up in day-to-day conversation. I can probably spout off 100 of them off the top of my head. Which are your most un-favorite(s)? Have you built up your callous to them or do some still send you reeling?