Lazy post

I have been busy. Work has sucked the life out of me in the last month. I actually don't even want to talk about it. I want to talk about anything other than work...

I started a post on April 1, when B.W. would have been 2 and 1/2 years old. I don't have the emotional energy to finish it now, so it will have to wait to be finished and published. Let's just say that the passage of time, for me and my family, is and always will be SO marked by B.W.'s death/birth. I miss him.

Because I'm not feeling especially full of anything original to say, I'm going to answer a seven-question quiz of sorts from Glow in the Woods. This place (GITW) has been like a raft for me as I swim in the deep waters of my reality.

1 Give us a few words you would have used to describe your body, your health or your sense of physical vitality before the experience of babyloss—and a few that you’d use to describe it now.

Before: strong and certain, able to adapt quickly to periods of concentrated physical activity or rest
After: weak, managing to function physically at medium pace with little desire to quicken or slow

2 What do you do to take care of yourself? Has this changed?

Not much, before or after. I think my views on caring for myself have changed though. I am trying to rationalize the need to take care of me, and then actually take action on it.

3 Give us one or two words to describe sex or physical intimacy before, and then after the loss of your baby.

Before: necessary and freeing
After: necessary and very complicated

4 Has loss and/or grief left a physical mark on you (a scar, a chronic condition, insomnia, a tattoo)?

The line down my stomach was there for almost a year and then it quickly blended into the line created by my pregnancy with C.T. Then, there is always the stretched skin that has never felt the same since before B.W. I really could care less about that in terms of vanity - and am happy that there is a physical reminder. In terms of conditions, I know my level of anxiety re: C.T.'s health and safety is severly heightened.

5 Do you medicate or control your emotions with food, wine, altered states, prescriptions? Without judgement, what have you gravitated towards in an effort to heal, and how do you feel about it?

Probably work. And a bit of wine, though not enough to mention. Maybe some shopping. Mostly though, I have tried to be honest with myself about my feelings and not to delay or push them aside.

6 Was physical healing important for you in the first year after your loss? What did/does physical healing entail and how did/do you work towards it? If physicality hasn't been a priority for you, what do you do that makes you feel stronger or more able to cope?

Yes, but not in a "I must be fit and healthy" sort of way. I knew I needed sleep so that I would be able to face the day and the endless tears. I knew I needed food or I would wither away. I knew I needed to be outside (some) and breathe in the outside air. The first year is so tough - getting out of bed was so often difficult...

7 If you could change anything about your body and/or health, what would it be? What would it feel like to be either at peace with your body, or at peace with this babylost state?

I'd like to feel strong again. I don't think I will ever be truly at peace with B.W.'s death. I have accepted it, but the mother in me still searches for him as if he is just missing.