B has been hurting. Pretty badly. His job, one that is tied explicitly to the financial markets, has been bringing him down for months now. Each day he puts on his suit and faces the demise of the system he is supposed to champion. It wears on him to give client after client bad news -- there has literally been nothing positive to come of his work days in six months. Clients can be extremely unfriendly (okay, it's definitely worse than that) in this environment of fear. He is anxiety ridden, sometimes plagued with mini panic attacks. And there is no real end in sight.
My father has been out of work for 11 months. My mom has MS -- for 20 years now. She is confined to a wheelchair and suffers a great deal. The COBRA insurance, medical expenses and drug costs are outrageous for anyone, especially a family whose single earner is not working. And there is no real end in sight.
My brother-in-law is still technically employed though they haven't "worked" him in several months. My sister and he have been trying to support their family with his side jobs and on the small amount I pay her to watch C.T. while I'm at work. And there is no real end in sight.
As B and I lay in bed talking last night, worry filling our hearts and eyes unable to relax, B begins to recount B.W.'s birth and the precious time we had with him. We close our eyes and talk about his perfect fingers and toes, the sweet little taste buds on his tongue, his broad chest, the bit of dark hair on his soft head. And for a few minutes, our anxiety is replaced by tearful and beautiful memories of our firstborn. This happens often for us. We get down -- more and more about everyday things -- and we remind ourselves that the most beautiful and gushing love we have ever experienced is inseparably tied to our son's death. (C.T.'s birth being equally beautiful and gushing, with a completely different outcome.)
My boys remind me that beauty and hope and love can be found in all sorts of situations, circumstances and outcomes - from the good to the utterly devastating. I don't feel this way every day. In fact, I might feel differently tomorrow. But I've come a long way...
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Absolutely beautiful post. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you make your way through difficult waters.
ReplyDelete(((hugs))) to you!
Everybody makes the Depression sound like this romantic era where everybody was in the same boat. Everybody was destitute and pitched in because of it. I don't buy it. It doesn't feel like that now. It just feels desperate and anxious. I pray everyday that we can all pull out of this. I pray that people don't lose their homes, that everybody has food, and that families stay together.
ReplyDeleteRight now, I do feel grateful for what I have, even my baby that died. But, I don't know if I could feel this way if the bottom completely fell out for us.
Overwhelmed is a good word for what is going on. It just seems to be coming from all directions: work, family, home. I just try to focus on the positive as much as possible,like you said in your last paragraph, but some days it is just hard.
ReplyDeleteSending peace to you & B.
hi gretchen, i found you from gitw. we just lost our little silas almost 6 months ago. life is pretty much torture- my mother in law also has ms and has been living with it for almost 35 years. its been very tough in our neck of the woods. your post was beautiful, i try to find beauty, laughter and joy in as many things as i can these days. sending you love.
ReplyDeleteGretchen,
ReplyDeleteHow are you doing? It's been a while since you posted. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Peace.
Just thinking of you. I hope you know when I wrote "beautiful post" I was referring to you and your husband remembering your son. Also, the last paragraph you wrote. It was far from my intent to downplay the difficulties you are living. I hope it didn't come across that way! Please forgive me if it did.
ReplyDeleteWould you be ok with me mentioning you on my blog? I would just use your blog name, and only link to you if it's ok. Could you email me and let me know? snarkybelle@comcast.net
If you don't want me to, of course it's perfectly ok! I am just working on a post about the support and strength I have found through blogging. Thanks!